When we do staff picks, they’re usually just that – picks. We choose to write about our favorite things within a given topic, or our least favorites, or something like that. But this week, we don’t have much of a choice. Each of us went through the steps of the internet album creation game; that is:

1. Use the “random article” feature on Wikipedia; whatever article comes up is your band’s name.

2. Use “random quote” on Wikiquote; the last few words of the quote are the name of the album.

After finding out a band and album name, we decided to write about what we think our albums would sound like. We came up with some decidedly interesting decided genres.

[Graham Benefiel]
Band: PT Boat
Album: Comes Naturally To Me
Decided Genre: Yacht Jazz
My band is a bunch of old, retired dudes who just want to express how rich they are in some form other than face-to-face bragging. The obvious solution was forming a band. They achieved immediate success with old, retired dudes. However, they have gone widely unnoticed with the rest of the population of earth. Lately, they have gained popularity with German monks and frequently perform in European monasteries.

[Litza Craig]
Band: Collective Memory
Album: Stay Out Then Get Out
Decided Genre: Alternative Rock
Collective Memory is that band that was never meant to go mainstream, but just like Jimmy Eat World, when they did, they thrived and enjoyed much success and continue to do so, making fun, up-beat, and some soft rock songs that are easy to relate to and make for awesome jam sessions with your best friends.

[Ed Dudrick]
Band: Belgium Women’s National Basketball Team
Album: No Hook Beneath It
Decided Genre: Hardcore Hipster Indie
Belgium Women’s National Basketball Team is one of those bands where if you haven’t heard of them, then you weren’t meant to.

[Jack H. Evans]
Band: John Stretch Park
Album: Keeps His Mouth Shut
Decided Genre: 90s Power Pop/College Rock
John Stretch Park sound like they formed in 1993 in some midwestern college town, but they’re actually from Florida. Their music is what may have happened after 1999, had nu-metal and teen-pop not taken over radio waves, i.e., the supreme reign of B-grade power pop. They don’t have the smart lyrics and borderline-emo vibe of Weezer, and none of their songs are as catchy as Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” (90s power pop’s infectious last gasp), but their debut, Keeps His Mouth Shut, is sweet, dumb fun.

[Allie Gruszkiewicz]
Band: Mount Assiniboine
Album: Everyone You Meet Is Your Mirror
Decided Genre: Canadian
My band originates from British Columbia, the name coming from a nearby mountain. Their goal is to sound original and folksy yet modern, but they ended up a little sad and amateur-ish. At least they tried to be philosophical in the album title, but most of their lyrics are kind of cliche.

[Taylor A. Johnson]
Band: Scuole Grandi of Venice
Album: It All Depends On Me
Decided Genre: Classical Indie Folk
Topping the Classical Indie Folk charts aided through their use of social media (such as getting confused Tweeters to help trend their hashtag ‘#ScuoleGrandiofVenice’), Scuole Grandi of Venice is hashtag hip. Speculation on the possibility of the band dabbling in the realm of spam Twitter accounts to gain “followers” is all-possible. May the band and their savvy jams RIP maybe.

[Kelsey Kinzer]
Band: Ljubljana Hippodrome
Album: We’re One Family
Decided Genre: Slovenian cover band for 80s Pop
The Ljubljana Hippodrome is a “horse racecourse stadium” in the capital of Slovenia, so obviously, my band is a Slovenian cover band that has trouble with English grammar, but it doesn’t stop them in their continuous quest to make the great pop songs of the 80s even greater. Their sophomore album We’re One Family includes songs like: “Livin’ On a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “Take On Me” by A-Ha, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham, and “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. I don’t really feel the need to explain my band any further; clearly, we’re awesome.

[Helen Law]
Band: Chronicle of Poor Lovers
Album: No One Can Do It for Me
Decided Genre: Sadcore
No Comment

[Zoey Line]
Band: Northern Territory General Election, 1997
Album: You Might as Well be Dead
Decided Genre: Hardcore Punk/Metalcore
Honestly, the thought of anything “hardcore” terrifies me. I prefer things on the soft and cute side. Like bunnies. I can’t accurately imagine what this band would sound like. All I know is that they would probably all be wearing black, studded, leather jackets and have tongue piercings.

[Katie Matthews]
Band: Carl Held
Album: Long Enough For a Joke
Decided Genre: Makes Me Cringe
I can’t. This is so ridiculous, and it’s probably the worst pun I’ve ever heard. That being said, this band would be made up of a bunch of old men who want to be ex-comedians. They try to be funny and fail miserably. (I would never be a part of this band.)

[Hannah McElroy]
Band: Souransan-Tomoto
Album: Escape All Responsibility
Decided Genre: Japanese Chillwave
No comment.

[Emily Price]
Band: Bengali Blog Blackout
Album: Scrape it Down and Start Again
Decided Genre: Garage Rock
I imagine this band would be made up of a group of teenagers trying to become famous on the internet via their music blog. They would attempt to make a powerful, deeper-meaning album name (and fail due to their cheesy tactics). Maybe one day they will in fact make it big. Probably not, though.