Staff picks: Describe something you know nothing about

Bark Staff

On The Bark staff, we are experts when it comes to many fields: objective reporting, in-depth interviews, Bearden’s SGA, the stats for every Bulldog team. We decided to let our writers describe some pop culture phenomena that they are far from qualified to analyze. What did we learn? We, apparently, do not have an affinity for sci-fi.

Star Wars is about a guy, maybe his name is Luke, that explores planets with robots or something. Judging from the title, this “Luke” guy has wars with stars, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true. As this guy travels through the universe he fights the bad guys and makes friends like R2D2 and meets Darth Vader, who’s the bad guy, and also his dad. (All I really know about this movie is his quote “I am your father.”) After Luke finds out Darth Vader is his father, he marries Princess Leia and they all live happily ever after. Or Darth Vader dies…I have no idea really. Maybe one day I’ll watch the movies to clarify, but until then I’ll just remain clueless. [Katie Matthews]

I’m definitely pretty “clueless” about Clueless. Obviously it’s about some pretty confused girls, who are just trying to get through high school with an astounding lack of academic skill, thus the cluelessness. However, they make up for any lack in knowledge with an abundance of sass and maybe some cutting insults. I’m pretty sure everyone in this movie hates each other. Judging from the cover, this all takes place in the 1990s universe, so maybe it’s about time that I watch this movie. [Allie Gruszkiewicz]

Sharknado… so…as far as first thoughts go, a tornado made up of sharks seems pretty dangerous. But tornadoes have to start somewhere – so what about the rain before a tornado?  Like, do you get a drizzle of goldfish first, then the wind picks up and a flounder slaps you in the face, and suddenly a great white flattens your car? (cue action movie explosion) And how do the sharks get up in the tornado?  I kind of doubt it’s a “Scotty beam me up” sort of thing.  And then where do the sharks go?  I mean, you go out to get the newspaper, and a hammerhead shark is just lying on your porch. Hmm. No paper today, I guess. To me, Sharknado sounds a bit like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, except you don’t eat what’s falling from the sky – it eats you.  [Madison Chan]

I’ve never seen an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I assume it’s extremely mundane and somewhat disturbing to anyone who doesn’t value name-brand attire. A typical episode probably consists of a camera team following around Kim Kardashian, the main interest of the show. I’m sure it also examines her siblings, but because they’re not as attractive, the show probably focuses on their interactions with their more famous sister. I don’t know what activities Kim Kardashian engages during the day. I assume she works to maintain her nearly inhuman perfect image, so she probably does a lot of shopping, purchasing products like clothes and make-up and perpetuating the narrative of American culture as shallow and consumerist. [Helen Law]

I know Lord of the Flies is not about a fly king, but maybe they should’ve picked a better title. A book about a fly lord sounds rather disturbing. [Zoey Line]

Despicable Me: Man, where to start. I know that it is a cartoon movie that involves an evil hunchback guy and some fuzzy yellow little things. I have seen previews on it and have also seen some little girls with the hunchback guy. Are they like related or just there? I don’t know, I guess I will just have to watch and find out. [Tyler Hotz]

Like my fellow Bark staff member Katie Matthews, I too, do not really understand what’s happening in the Star Wars franchise. There’s a guy named Luke who loves a girl named Leia but Leia is his sister and his father is Darth Vader. In the mix of that somewhere, you have Han Solo hanging out with some robots and wielding laser swords. There’s a big hairy man and a little green alien who can’t speak English very well. Meanwhile, all of Luke and Leia’s drama is happening in the middle of a war and the stormtroopers are trying to defeat Darth Vader, and it’s all dramatic and people are laughing at me as I write this so I guess I’m wrong, but whatever. Oh, there’s also this thing called the Force, but it’s not really that important when it comes down to the story. [Kelsey Kinzer]

I am writing about rap music. I think it’s where you drop some sick beats and people go “cray”. Gold everyythang. [Taylor A. Johnson]

Jurassic Park. I know it’s got some dinosaurs in it. So basically some people from somewhere are like “Yeah, it would be a good idea to bring giant killing machines back into modern day existence.” I mean, that doesn’t sound too smart to me but if they want to deal with a starving Tyrannosaurus Rex, that’s their problem. Anyway, they start growing the dinosaurs with their science-y technology things and it gets out of hand, and the dinosaurs are out of control. Then there’s probably some love triangle stuff. Next thing you know someone gets eaten or torn apart (inevitable with all the dinos around). Someone saves the day, and then, the denouement takes place. The living dinosaur creators going home to their families and yay happily ever after – that is, until the sequel. [Zoe Evans]

Where to even begin with Inception… All I know about this movie is it has to do with stealing and planting dreams. And that’s just downright creepy. I don’t know how most people feel about having their dreams taken, but I wouldn’t want to have a random person (in this case, Leonardo DiCaprio) messing around in my dreams. But this movie might explain why most days I can’t remember my dreams…  [Wyeth Wilson]

I guess I kind of know what Big Bang Theory is about… but not really. From what I can tell, it’s a show about a really smart dude being the “quirky” member of his friend group. I am also pretty sure that the show revolves around his friends laughing at his ridiculous smart person antics. It seems like a pretty ridiculous premise for a television show, but apparently it appeals to a lot of people who I’ve noticed think they’re really intelligent for laughing at its jokes. [Emily Price]

Transformers: Age of Extinction is about a pack of werewolves being hunted by a vampire clan. The main werewolf is a Taylor Lautner type named Damian with a quirky human girlfriend. He races through the town, ripping off his clothes, transforming into a giant dog, and fighting all the skinny pale vampires. Meanwhile, a beta-wolf befriends a vampire, which causes hostility in the pack. In the end, the vampires and werewolves realize they are similar and should stop fighting. The film ends with a group of supernaturals singing songs around a campfire. Everyone lives happily ever after. The end. [Caroline Rogers]

Okay, so I really have no clue what the premise of Star Trek is. I’m assuming it’s some kind of space adventure with some dudes in full body, colorful spandex suits and funky hair. I’m pretty sure there are lots of Star Trek movies, all featuring Captain Crunch and his goonies sitting around in a circle on a spaceship and talking about the economy and space things. [Cameron Scott]